THE MARTIAN'S CHRONICLES

FAMILY FOUNDATIONS

2011-06-17T16:56:00.000-07:00

FAMILY LINKS TO EARTH ARCHAEOLOGY

As most of my readers know—I rarely delve into personal matters on this blog, confining my reflections mostly to archaeological matters, but at the demolition of my Great Aunt Log Cabin recently, several scanalogues came into my possession. You are familiar with my façade, there at the bottom, which you’re probably getting tired of seeing in my blog profile, but the other scanalogue (the first one) is of two of my great great great grandfathers nearly 100,000 genuflects ago. As you can see they were twins. What is most exciting to the archaeologist in yours truly, something I’m pretty certain my Aunt Log did not recognize she had, are the primitive dwellings viewed in the background, behind my two ancestors. And even more exciting is the close resemblance those ancient Martians, May the Great Architect Who Watches Over Us Bless their Chips, bear to what the Earthlings called their “dwellings” or, sometimes, “houses”. In fact, the evidence in this scanalogue is so confused that I’m not certain if this artifact was scanned on Earth or on ancient Mars. This is not the first time, as I’ve pointed out in past blogs, that Martian archaeologists, working their digger drones on Earth, have uncovered artifacts that show a strong connection between Earthling dwelling places and our own Martian bodies. But how or when we Martians colonized Earth or transported ourselves down to the surface of that planet, and in such primitive conditions, if such be the case, we have no evidence to date. Although, Dr. Walkup w/bath, in his paper, “Hollow Echoes of Past Kitchens” (genuflect 574,342) argues strongly for the connection between Earthling dwelling places and our beautiful and enduring Martian facades and structures, there is little evidence to support his claims. Dr. Walkup reminds me, and several of my fellow archaeologists, of the Earthling male recently discovered, called A Rich Von Danican, whose 20th Century books suggested that Earthlings were brought to Earth by what they called “aliens”, that is, if you want a chuckle, us. Well who knows, really. Shut the door and close my room—stranger things have been disked. View you next time.

ARM-RAISING FEMALE BEHAVIOR BY EARTHLINGS

2008-06-25T11:42:00.000-07:00

After genuflects of delving into the practice of “arm raising by Earthling females”, Martian Professor Tudor Revival has unearthed and collected thousands of documents which reveal the practice in all its permutations. He has recently communicated to me samples of his vast collection of “arm raising female Earthlings” after collaging them on 8-1/2 by 11 specimen paper.

Arm raising among Earthling females seems to have increased in scope and significance in 20th Century world culture, but we do not know whether this is because they did not develop the technology to document the practice before that time or whether it simply was not practiced before then. Martian archaeologists assume that any practice they uncover in an Earthling era must have roots in its earlier times. That is the case with most cultural practices archaeologists examine. If we find it at one time and place, we generally can expect to find it in permutations at other times and places. Cultural change functions in that manner.

We do have a single piece of evidence that nearly proves that the Earthling arm raising practice dates at least to mid-19th Century on the NATO continent. There an artist named John September Ingrate painted the piece of work below, sometimes called simply “odaliskue” and sometimes by others “risqué” in tones of opprobrium. In that painting [below] the raised arms are obvious already in practice. And one cannot escape the conclusion that the large figure on the right, in white wrappings but nearly without facade, in Dr. Revival’s specimens is copying almost identically the pose of the female earthling in the Ingrate figure.

Did the practice have religious significance? Professor Big House suggests in his paper, “The Religious Significance of Arm-raised Gestures in Late 20th Century Earth Culture” (genuflect 200,956) that indeed they were religious gestures. He points out the almost universal expressions of joy or transcendence on the malleable faces of the Earthling females in Professor Revival’s examples. However, Professor Large Rancher 2br & 1/Bath, in his paper, “Uplifting Gestures of Disgust” (genuflect 400,321) notes that the earlier figure by Ingrate doesn’t seem happy at all, and he notes the bored expression of the figure (male or female) beside the reclining female. If it were a religious posture, he reasons, the figure to the left would not be bored with what he is watching, unless, of course, the painting is a sly or ironic comment on the religion of the females. Maybe the figure on the left is the artist himself, commenting with his bored expression on the arm-raised female Earthling.

Finally, what are we to make of the dark figure in the background? That adds a very interesting ambiguity to the entire motif, religious or otherwise.

MARTIAN BEGINNINGS?

2007-08-16T21:21:00.000-07:00

Professor Condo w/Riverview’s recent paper, “Can Martians Be Gay?” (genuflect 547,008), published in Martian Archaeology Today is based on this recently unearthed Earth artifact and has raised much controversy, swirling around in the rafters, the upper beams, of yours truly as well as much of the amateur Martian archaeological scene.

Professor w/Riverview claims that the figure to the right in this photogravure artifact is an extremely primitive Martian species that evolved on Earth from which we Martians may have somehow descended. He says the Martian, as he calls it—“the copier”—stands in relation to modern Martians in time as the flatworm stood in time to the Earth’s homo sapiens species just before it ceased to exist. He claims, further, that the copier must have been a slave, forced, for some inexplicable reason, to copy or replicate Earthling scribbles and, even, something called a “print out”. The copier’s place in Martian genealogy, he asserts, compares favorably to an Earthling Creationist, also a copier enslaved by certain writings to repeat over and over the same silly things. Creationists were a very backward and ancient Earth species that managed to survive parallel to but without the mental development of the Natural Selectionist, the most advanced species on 20th through 23rd Century Earth. And, finally, Professor w/Riverview believes that the juxtaposition of what he claims to be a Martian with the obviously Earthly gay couple to the Martian’s right, on what he calls the Martian’s “excreta side”, suggests that, perhaps, some early Martians might also have been gay. A tenuous claim at best.

In a paper, published also in MAT (genuflect 547,012), “What A Dumb Thing To Say,” Professor 2BR Starting at $500,000 disputes Dr. w/Riverview’s assertion. He points out, obviously, that Martians have always been asexual beings, created and maintained, not by sexual activity but by our Drones. He observes, secondly, that there is no, or little, evidence in the literature to support Dr. Riverview’s basic premise that “the copier” is a forerunner to modern Martians. He further writes, “If, indeed, the copier is in any way related to the gay couple’s sexuality wouldn’t one of them also be connected to the copier by way of the hand and arm coupling devices by which the two Earthlings are connected?” In fact, Dr. $500,000 claims that the copier seems to be behind the gay Earthlings, off to the side, as if standing aloof from them, perhaps, even, “judging them”. And, finally, he points out that gay Earthling males were not usually known to couple by means of hand/arm devices. Very little photogravure evidence for such hand/arm coupling exists, while, on the other hand, much evidence, culled from the numerous porndoggy files of gay male interactions in Martian possession, shows them coupling and interacting by means of other body devices. So, perhaps, he climaxes, the two Earthlings in the photogravure are not gay at all.

Professor Walkup in Brooklyn, the model for all outlandish Martian claims, has introduced an even more bizarre idea in his book, Letters To A Dronean Nation (genuflect 545,240). As we all know, he has long claimed that Earthlings were somehow involved in the earliest beginnings of Martian history. He is the most notable proponent for the claim that our Martian government has been covering up the existence of a crashed Earthling space craft at some time in the 21st Century Earth Time from which all Martian structure-life has evolved. With the release of the Riverview artifact, Professor Brooklyn has expanded his claims. He currently contends that Earthlings were not only somehow involved in early Martian life on Earth but that they created Martians. He asserts, with some force, that if one looks closely at the arrangement the two Earthlings create with their two bodies, joined as they are by hand/arm devices, he will see that they spell out the letter “M” (for Mars?) with their two bodies. He proposes that the two Earthlings were somehow trying to communicate to the future, perhaps in a time capsule now lost, that the copier on their left was a creature of their own making. Which would mean for Martians that, indeed, there is a God and that He is a gay Earthling male and not a Drone, or, actually, two gay Earthling males.

To the readers of this little blog before you, let me conclude with my own sentiments: “How absolutely Green Cheese.”

SCAT SINGING ON LATE 21ST CENTURY EARTH

2007-05-12T09:50:00.000-07:00

Professor Condo w/2BR-2BA’s digger drones have unearthed yet another interesting artifact from DeGaulland north of the big water called Atlantis Ocean. In a recent paper, “Stepping In It: a study of foodlessness among late 21st Century earthlings”, Professor w/2BR-2BA claims that Earthling food developed religious significance in the late 21st Century because of its scarcity, significance even to the point that one did not, so he claims, “step in” even the waste products at the end of the human food chain called the gastro-intestinal process. He brings forth this recently uncovered, semi-glossy artifact to support his claim.

As we have long known, glossy artifacts meant very much in the Earthling scheme of things. The glossier the artifact, the more significant the act or object being portrayed. Professor w/2BR-2BA points to the stick thin figure of the Earthling female as evidence of her advanced stage of starvation and to the Earthling’s evident avoidance of stepping in what looks like a piece of what may be human waste product. Perhaps, her own? Or maybe she has already stepped in it and is recoiling in religious disgust or shame? And she is also well-dressed, fashionably so. He proposes she may be a type of religious female famed for their sacred “scat singing”?

Professor w/2BR-2BA asserts in an earlier paper that even before food became very scarce, it had begun to develop religious significance among Earthling populations. Though there is very little evidence for such a claim, Dr. w/2BR-2BA has uncovered rumors of a religious singer named Elephant Gerald who supposedly sang in the early part of the 20th Century in the GoodolUSofA. This singer was rumored to be an extraordinarily obese member of the Earthling species, Homo Saps, and she is said to have developed the art of “scat” singing. Other very tenuous evidence has come from scraps of artifacts that connects the word “scat” to all Earth species, from the Hypo-potenuse, an aquatic species, to the Iiontigerbear, most feared in the jungles of Munchkinlandia. Hunters were said to look for signs of “scat” when they hunted. Therefore, we can be fairly certain that “scat”, which was an animal defecant, was somehow connected with the practice of “scat singing” or singing about defecation by the obese singer Elephant Gerald.

“Why did humans wish not to step in scat” is another question posed by the artifact before us. Professor w/2BR-2BA draws a connection that is very tenuous about this matter. He points out that there was once a moving photo series called “Solient Green” about Earthlings being tricked into eating one another’s bodies. He proposes that one day we will uncover another moving photo series, possibly called “Solient Brown”, in which Earthlings will be portrayed eating scat as well. So, of course, one would avoid stepping in his potential food.

Another point in dispute. Is the object at the female’s feet actually Earthling scat? Since we are not entirely sure what Earthling waste products looked like (it was biodegradable after all), we Martians have been forced to assume many variables when discussing the shape and form of human defecants. We do know that humans “shat”. We found evidence of that act of defecation in their mythology as put forth in their book of myths, the Dribble. Since we Martians have no concept ourselves of the process of “shatting”, we are hard pressed to understand this Earthling trait. Some Martian archaeologists even claim that some Earthlings believed that their Mythological Superbeing “shat” out the Earth and the Heavens, that “shatting”, therefore, was an act of creation. This hypothesis was supported at the time by the work of the nearly mythological Creationists, if indeed, such ignorant Earthlings ever existed.

Further proof of the glorification of human scat was the expression often used by Earthlings—“Holy Shit!” Shit, we have reason to believe, was another term for scat. Another sign of the deification of scat was that in certain quarters, males, and only male Earthlings, were said to sit on thrones (see above) while they shat and read their papers or tea leaves, and many times, we have come across the notion, still to be proven, that Earthlings, at least the Homo Saps, were somehow empowered by the act of sitting on a throne. Such importance can only mean that there is some connection between scat and power. Religious power? Some Earthlings, specially those at the top of Earth Cultures, were often reported to be “full of scat” by those beneath them—being “shat upon”, we must ask? One American president, a certain George W. Bush, was said to be especially “full of scat”. He sat on his throne very early in the 21st Century, so we can see, in that case, how very early on shatting was beginning to gain significance.

As ever, my fellow blogsters, I’m in your indebtedness for reading my little musings on the archaeological happenings of Martian archaeologists busily digging into the surface of that airless, burned out small planet, called Earth.

THE CHICKEN CAME FIRST

2007-02-07T20:34:00.000-08:00

Dr. Yellow Bungalow w/ Nifty Deck’s newest paper in the Journal of Earth Archaeology has come up with a shocker and this archaeologist, yours truly, He Who Towers, won’t be one to disagree with Deck’s findings in this blog. But what are we to make of the fragment of artifact that Dr. Deck’s digger drones on Earth have uncovered? (See below.) His artifact does turn things topsy-turvy according to Earthling biological science as we understand it, specifically the belief that homo sapiens was the most advanced of Earth species just before the end times or “last quarter” as it was called in certain “religious arenas” where players of what we believe are sporting contests raised their fists to the sky in praise of their hypothetical superbeings and beat their chests like Earthling ape species also can be witnessed doing in several artifacts in Martian possession. As we all know, Earthlings developed the idea of “evolution”, of a process of change through what they called “natural selection.” They piled up irrefutable evidence over the centuries and, eventually, found all the “missing links” that religifiers demanded, even though their genetic and molecular evidence was more than enough proof for the open-minded and objective among them w/o any need to dig up fossil evidence. We Martians are so much more advanced, I must say.

Then, again, as we’ve mentioned, many Earthlings also held the quaint idea that hypothetical superbeings controlled the changes that natural selection visited upon them and refused to accept the heavily documented concept of natural selection. They held these beliefs without the least shred of evidence to support them. Some Martian archaeologists have developed the idea that human life on Earth ended when their “believers in nothing concrete”, as we, the ultimate Concretes or Materialists, name it, ran amok and “brought down the house”, as we would say, with internecine strife and atomic sword play.

Of course, we Martians also believe in the concept of modernization, that is, the process by which our robot servants modernize our facades and change our interior spaces to make ever more room for bigger and better chips and energy sources. For many centuries, now, our robots have been beyond our controlling them, and we find ourselves being changed from time to time without our having to think or plan about it. One day, a construction drone appears, and voila, things beyond our control happen to us. We are so used to it that we hardly comment anymore when things happen to us. We just go with the energy flow.

Could this fellow, pictured in Dr. Deck’s artifact, be one of the last stages of evolution on Earth? And what of this “healthier egg”? We know that Earthling culture, specially the female Earthling culture, was obsessed with putting on weight. We find artifacts everywhere which speak about weight gain, and, evidently, they were getting pretty good at “putting on the pounds”. Some evidence being developed during their 20th Century suggests that in the GoodOlUSofA people were having much success at weight gain. The practice was spreading too. Other nations, like Nippon and DeGaulland, were beginning to put on the pounds as never before according to fragmentary news-spreading documents we have gathered. It does not take too much imagination to see that this artifact, with its high-gloss paper, could be a “mind-alterer” (GoodOlUSofAers were specially good at mind-altering), celebrating the creation of an egg-thing that might help Earthlings to put on the pounds. Who better to develop the egg than the chicken, we must ask. And I do believe that this artifact may put to rest that perennial Earthling question Martian researches have come across, “What came first—the chicken or the egg?”

MILITANT FEMINIST DE-CAMOUFLAGED

2007-01-18T20:03:00.000-08:00

Dr. First Month Rent Supplied has recently uncovered an artifact which appears to originate in my especial realm of interest—20th Century American culture. It represents a female Earthling wrapped in what is evidently "Sunday go to war clothing" (as Christian warriors seem to have called them). Professor Supplied argues in his paper, "When Body and Soul Become One" (genuflect 122,349) that this artifact also proves conclusively that Earth people's skin could mutate into the colors with which they dyed their body wrappings. At this time in history, he believes, they had learned to be like cameleons, a being which during that period in Earth history could change its spots "like a leopard", so we are told. We Martians have seen evidence that during this period of time, many on the land mass to the West of the big water called Atlantis were very unstable and changed their talk points as often as they changed their body wrappings. During one brief period, my own studies show that while they were busy practicing life-ending procedures in a country called Iwak by the respected commentator, Bawbaw Wawwers, several members in a party called "Publicans" very soon changed their spots when another group called, "Dems", seemed to have gained power in the land West of the big waters after several decades of being "sent to Coventry", as it was called when people did not like the smell of your breath and so avoided having any contact with you "face to face", as they called it. They would, however, according to my paper, "Back To Front To Back Again" (genuflect 345,723) speak to one another "behind the back", so my studies show. These Earthlings often spoke behind each other's backs so as to avoid face to face odor transfer or the sight of crooked chewing devices. Crooked eating tools were much maligned in those centuries (a problem which, fortunately, we Martians do not have) and so they would often cover their in-mouth grinding devices with wire and other things which they considered to be beautiful. No understanding these Earthlings.

The strongest evidence for Professor First Month Rent Supplied's artifact representing those features of a "militant feminist" or "feminazi" (so the fat man with the small, drug-addled brain called them) is that she seems to have burned her "bra", the covering with which female Earthlings hid their baby-feeding devices from which larger males also seemed to try and get nurishment, acording to limited information coming through the good work of Professor Two Room Apt in his seminal paper, "Motels and Other Earthling Breeding Grounds" (genuflect 345,009). He has been diligently reading through and viewing that terribly boring stuff called "porno" by male Earthlings who seem to have had a bottomless apetite for the silly stuff in which grown men and women rub together and utter loud and endless grunts and groans. We have yet to fully understand this Earthling behavior, but we think it may have something to do with streetside vending as so many females in certain large cities often offered "things" for sale by the byways and streets of those large cities.

Anyhow, we shall understand more and better as we continue our researches into the ever surprising Earthling culture.

THE END OF THE AMERICAN DREAM

2006-12-26T16:18:00.000-08:00

Diligent research by Martian archaeologists leads some authorities to the conclusion that this enigmatic figure may have had something to do with the end of the Earth peoples and, more specifically, with the end of what was called in certain fragmentary documents we have recovered, "The American Dream".

MOUNTAIN RUSHING GNAT MONUMENT DISCOVERED?

2006-11-16T20:15:00.000-08:00

Martian archaeological drone teams under the watchful eye of Professor Wigwam de la Prairie, working in the great western reaches of the Central American Continent of Earth, as distinct from the Northern Continent and the Southern Continent (even though that Southern land mass is now an island, separated by several miles of water from the two upper land masses because, we think, a land bridge that once connected them is now awash in water oceans), continue to turn up fascinating artifacts from 21st Century American cultures. For genuflects, our drone teams have been uncovering teasing, unsubstantiated references to a great American presidential monument somewhere in the Wild West Regions which archaeologists have tentatively translated as “Mountain Rushing Gnat Monument”. Recently, Dr. de la Prairie uncovered and partially restored the artifact which is displayed above.

After much discussion we think this may be a partial rendering of that very Monument. The three faces (we had expected five—the fifth being the face of President E. Presley who was said to have been resurrected from the dead and elected to office sometime in the 21st Century, Earth Time) are without a doubt monumental, imposing and seemingly carved into adamantine material. We cannot determine which presidents’ faces were on the original Monument but the faces revealed in this striking artifact are all presidential and may, in their look alikeness, hint at the processes of cloning which were stirring in the Earthling eras of my interest. Even a scientist must be allowed his imagination. I would like to think that, maybe, one of the three heads represented here is the head of the resurrected Elvis.

And again, I must call my readers’ attentions to the primitive, Martian-like bodies to the right of the Monument, if indeed, it is a rendering of the Monument. Repeatedly, we Martian archaeologists come across these teasing connections between Earthling dwellings and our Martian bodies, but our Martian bodies don’t have Earthling DNA so the connection cannot be of the evolutionary nature that brought the human animal to perfection and then to extinction.

The things on the cheekbones of the Earthlings are called “glasses”, but they do not look anything like the glasses of liquid H2O that earthlings were known to drink from. Dr. de la Prairie in his paper, “Gulping Their Way To Hydration” (genuflect 223,002) has tried to suggest various ways that those facial decorations could be made to yield up liquid for human consumption, but I am not convinced.

EARTHLINGS SABOTAGE MARTIANS

2006-10-12T22:47:00.000-07:00

Professor Loft-in Condo thinks this recently recovered 20th Century artifact from the digs at Boston By the Sea (genuflect 389,119) proves once again that Earthlings and Martians were at one time connected in some nefarious way. This blogger has posted other examples of Earthly conflict between what looks like early Martian peoples and Earthlings, and so I am open to Dr. Condo’s interpretation of what this rendition reveals. Loft-in thinks, and I’m apt to agree with him, that we have depicted here an Earthling terrorist in the act of sabotaging (i.e. harming by stealth) the kidney boiler of one of our Martian ancestors. The huge collection device is just enough like one of our boiler room boilers where warmth-giving melted water stuff is created and sent through our heater veins to hint that Professor Loft-in Condo is correct. Whether this act of violence is occuring on Earth at some nearly perhistoric time or on Mars itself, no evidence in the rendition makes entirely clear. As with so much that archaeology uncovers, mystery increases rather than diminishes the more that we know.

Constructively yours,

Prof. He Who Towers

EARTHLING EXTINCTION

2006-08-17T15:08:00.000-07:00

Recent discoveries by Martian archaeologist One BR above’Garage are bringing us ever closer to uncovering the cause of the extinction of the soft-bodied Earthling species on the Planet we once called Blue Ball before we accepted the name by which the departed Earthlings referred to it—Earth. Dr. Garage’s digger drones, working in the Land of Snow above the Continent that lies east of the NATO continent across the great liquid body, uncovered this recent artifact. In his paper, “Dress Is The Clue, Stupid” (genuflect 342,009), he purports it to be a representation of the final years on Earth when “pollution”, as Earthlings called it, fouled the atmosphere, making habitation impossible.

They were a very weak species. It’s a wonder they survived as long as they did, into the 80th Century (their time scale) our best evidence tells us. A mere pinprick in time when compared to the bacteria which went extinct with them. We, of course, would have no such trouble. Except for very corrosive acids, we Martians can survive almost any atmospheric condition, so it’s hard for us to “walk a mile in their space suits” as the Earthling idiom expresses it. In fact, it’s impossible for us to wear a space suit over our huge and blocky frames. Fortunately, we don’t need them.

However, Professor Brick Rancher, in his talk, “Does This Suit Suit You?” which he presented at the annual convention of Well Diggers’ Diggers in the genuflect 336,876, has suggested another interpretation of the ancient artifact before you. He believes the representational artifact represents Earthling space exploration and perhaps was created during an exploration on Pluto or Venus, as Earthlings called them. If they did get into space, did they visit our planet, I wonder.

Still another archaeologist, Professor Gazebo, suggests that this artifact represents an Earthling exploration into one of their liquid bodies that lie between the continents of Blue Ball. He thinks the Earthling male is walking through a street in Atlantis, one of their fabled cities we are just now getting to hear about in widely spaced fragmentary artifacts.

Could be! Earthlings were very fond of their water bodies because their genetics reveal that water bodies were their original home. They were 90 percent water our biologists tell us. They told various fictions about their liquid homes—about kings who ruled underliquid with poles called “tridents” and “mermads” who were half fish and half Earthling and who sang angry songs (thus, mer -“mads”). In one of their many and contradictory religious books, The Babel(sic), they tell a fictional tale about fishes who swallowed Earthlings and whose stomach acids did not dissolve the Earthlings. People who believed in the Babel book are now known to have believed in almost anything and to swallow nearly anything. They were called “gullivers” because they were so “gullible” just as a certain species of Earth animal were called carnivores because they were known to swallow Carney Dogs.

This species of Earthling were said to be awaiting a Rupture in time, when the “good” people would get even with what they called “bad” people by disappearing into a place where they would play harps all day and walk on streets of gold. Those left behind would suffer "ruptures"—a very painful sort of Earthling condition in which their insides try to worm their way out through holes in their frameworks. They were still awaiting the Rupture when the Earthling species went extinct. An interesting “bummer sticker”, as they were called, referred to this imaginary phenomena. It read, if our translations are correct, “After Rupture This Vehicle Will Crash Into The Nearest Thing To It”. The pain was expected to be so great, we surmise, that those left behind would no longer be able to control their transporatation devices called, SUVs, and so would bump into things near them.

Anyhow, we have few artifacts from the era when Earthlings went extinct so we are grateful for any artifact that might let a little knowledge into our Martian windows about those times.

MATRIXII

2006-08-07T06:43:00.000-07:00

The late Martian archaeologist, Dr. Elegant Loft w/hot Tub, before his untimely final state by foundation collapse, uncovered some very exciting artifacts on Earth. The artifact below was uncovered during his recent dig in genuflect 235,994 on the GoodOlUSofA Continent. Before Dr. Loft's discovery, we Martians thought that we were the only civilization to understand Matrix technology by which many of our neighboring soft bodied species around the Cosmos are put into suspended animation and sent on virtual vacations.

Some soft-bodied species around the Cosmos now use matrix technology to imprison unruly populations. Others use it to titillate their gonads. One rare piece of artifact does hint that Earthlings may have also used some sort of matrix technology to do something to their gonads. The artifact is a piece of what they called "film" showing two Earthlings entering a chamber and coming out in what appears to be a titillated condition. A woody being called an "Allen" enters a cylinder with a female Earthling whose name we do not know, and when they exit the cylinder, we think we can discern gonad titillation in the male and excitation in the female. Other species in our time use matrix technology to, as the song goes, "Wacoviate the Affirmative, Don't Mess the Inbetweens".

What Dr. Tub discovered is a representational artifact that I believe shows an Earthling male in suspension in a matrix or, at least, his entrance into or exit from a matrix. Whatever we may think, we can at least determine that the Earthling in the Matrix was involved in a practice they called gardening.

We recognize the hose and the stream of liquid stuff coming out its end that Earthlings call "water". Earthlings seem to have needed what they called "water" to immerse their bodies in, to pull scaled beings from for "pan frying", and to fill round rubber "baboons" (sic) with which they could then hurl at each other while practicing the human art they called "laughing".

Laughing was a widespread Earthling practice and many references to it are found in Earthling writings. One such writing was "He who laughs last, laughs best" which we believe had to do with a practice which occured when Earthlings passed into the earth. Earthlings would stand around and "laugh" at ceremonies devoted to honoring those "who had gone before" (as they phrased it in another artifact in our possession). "Last" laughing came in sequence after "first" laughing. Thus, he who laughs "last" laughs "best". It may have something to do with being in a laughing state about not having to go into the earth which seems to be the last activity any human being performed while inhabiting the earth, an activity which no Earthling seems to have enjoyed doing.

Those water uses mentioned are only three uses to which Earthlings put their liquids. There were many others.

POVERTY AMONG EARTHLINGS

2006-07-20T08:24:00.000-07:00

At certain times during Earthling existence on Earth, the phenomenon of “poverty” was said to stalk their cultures. During the centuries of my interest, poverty in the City of Africa, somewhere below the water body called Medical Terrain, was supposed to have been terribly bad. Poverty, as far as we can tell, was a condition of clothing that a race of Earthlings called fashion editors judged as being “too outré to be borne”, as one of them wrote in an archaeological fragment that Prof. Bungalow from the University of Mars on Tyne only recently released. There is much debate as to what the term “outré” means. Imagine our joy, then, in the archaeological findings of Professor Duplex whose digger drones have been working in that same area below the Medical Terrain in the lush rain forests there. He has unearthed two representational artifacts of female Earthlings whose skin coverings appear to be in poor and torn condition. Someone, unfortunately, has misidentified the fragments as coming from the NATO Continent, as it was called, which lies above the Medical Terrain water body. So we can be pretty certain that the condition, outré, is represented by the skin coverings of these two Earthlings from the City of Africa. Long hard work over many genuflects of time will eventually lead to findings such as these if only we have patience.

EARTHLING FOOLISHNESS

2006-07-11T08:41:00.000-07:00

For many Martian genuflects, Martian archaeologists have assumed that Earthlings were sophisticated users of the primitive technology (as compared to Martian technology) that they did have. But a recent artifact uncovered by Dr. Chalet's digger drones in GoodOlUSofA casts doubt on our assumptions. We thought that earthlings had microphone technology, but the Earthling female in the representational artifact appears to believe that this common and ordinary hairbrush is a microphone.

PIRATED PROBLEMS

2006-07-05T21:58:00.000-07:00

The artifact before you creates many problems for Martian archaeologists who are trying to understand Earthling cultures of the 20th through 21st Centuries. It was uncovered recently by the digger drones of Dr. Wicciup d’Forest in his digs in the GoodOl’USofA region of the big continent sometimes called the Nor[ ]h Amer. Cont. in a few artifacts we have so far uncovered.

We believe the representation is of an Earthling species called “pirates” which existed in the 17th and 18th centuries, if not earlier, and whose heads were a triangular shape when viewed from above. However, the problem presents itself when we realize that the fragmentary language units at the top of the artifact are recognizable as the language units of an ancient communication technology called magazine media and, specifically, of a media called Newsweek which existed briefly in the days of the 20th Century. If so, how could the representation of a pirate appear to be existent in that Earthling era? A problem indeed, complicated by the fact that photographic technology was not a part of the time period coincident with the pirate era of clanging sharp edged things together in noise making competitions, jib making or the era of what we understand to be gangplank diving contests. These gang plank diving contests survived into the 22nd Century among many Earthling cultures in the form of Olympic diving contests which were held in and named after, as far as we can ascertain, a city-state called Olympia in the nation of Wash[ ]ton in GoodOl’UsofA.

My great colleague, Dr. Sky Scraper, in his paper, “Don’t Knock Knocking Spheres For Fun and Profit in the Twentieth Century” (genuflect 224,002) has pointed the way to a solution. During the late 19th and all of the 20th Century and into the early 21st Century, a certain “sphere hitting” gang of male Earthlings were also called “Pirates” or the “Pittspurge Pirates” to be exact. One or two fragmentary historical translations suggest that even these modern “Pirates” still practiced ancient piratical traits. They were commonly caught stealing bases by people called catchers whose job it was to catch base stealers. Then, sometime in the 21st Century, this base-stealing gang of sphere hitting “Pirates” disappeared from written history. However, Professor Teapot Dome Scandel in his paper, “Moving Names All Over the Map” (genuflect 752,098) suggests that the Pittspurge Pirates did not die out as at first thought but became the Mobile Al Pirates when a very rich fuel and pirate merchant called Al Mobile somehow got control of the Pirates and moved the entire gang to a warmer climate. All this leaves much to be explained.

Lastly, while on the subject of pirates, I must mention a certain, very ancient male Earthling who was known as Pontius Pirate, maybe one of the first of the pirate species to have evolved on the Earth. He was known for running a meticulous hand washing business. He was known to steal and wash hands in the same way that money was stolen and laundered in later Earth history. There is also an ancient story, now disappeared from recorded history, which suggests he was a very indecisive earthling who couldn’t make up his mind, but that is all we know of him.

EARTHLINGS AS COOKERS AND MUSICIANS

2006-06-25T08:19:00.000-07:00

A recent archaeological dig in Sao Paola in the lower Northern Hemisphere of the American Continent yielded the square document [left above] which today I include in my Martian Chronicles. The earthling pictured is involved in some kind of activity with which Martian archaeology is completely unfamiliar. His façade expresses an intense and “angry”(?) intention as if he intends harm, as if he will use the pointy thing to harm another. We have discovered only one other document of its kind in all our Earthly searches [below]. It was a fragment, not very well preserved, which includes the as yet uninterpreted language fragment, “F_DD_ _R _ _ TH_ _OOF”. An earthling in that fragment is standing shoulder deep in what appears to be a pile of stylized Martian corpses, and he is also holding a thin thing against a curvy thing while the digits of his left hand digitalize the smaller end of the curvy thing. The expression on his façade cannot clearly be seen.

In the lower right corner of the more recently recovered artifact [above], an activity with which we are familiar is taking place. That earthling brandishes what we now think may be an archaic musical instrument used by a species of earthlings that other earthlings called “mobsters” somewhere in a land called Chicago on the North American continent. The word “mobsters” we recognize as a derivative of the word, “mob” which means a large group of people. Another word from the same derivation is the verb “to mob” which means to gather around in celebration. When someone is “mobbed up”, we understand him to be joined with others in a wild celebration.

We suggest, therefore, that the tool in the lower right hand corner could be some type of musical instrument employed in celebrations while the tool being manipulated by the figure in the center of the first document is some sort of food utensil. Though we have as yet to understand the connection between the ancient American peoples and modern Martians, the older fragment may show a member of the ancient race of Americans preparing to butcher and eat deceased Martians with a tool similar to the “cooking tool” of the central figure in the later document. A gruesome thought indeed!

The pile of Martians in the second picture reminds me of another artifact I have come across: a pile of beeffalos. Certain other "tribes" (another language bit meaning "group") on the lower North American continent, below New England or Canadian Bacon (still much debate as to what that upper piece of land above the Good Old USofA was called), used to run after an animal called a beeffalo when they, for some as yet unexplained reason, ran over cliffs, much like another earth spiecies called lemmings used to run into the great water places of the Earth. Further proof that the instrument in hand is a cooking or killing instrument is suggested by the inclusion of the word, “killing” in the text and, finally, the fact that we have no evidence that a female earthling ever employed said instrument. Females were not known for their “killing” behavior.

For the other instrument, again drawing on that American communication medium, the “comic book”, we often see the language fragment “rata tat tat” or some combination of similar language bits in “thought clouds” associated with the instrument pictured in the lower right hand corner of our document. [For explanation of “thought clouds” see “Disturbing Thoughts By Earthlings Toward Martians” in another post.] We feel we can, with some certainty, then translate those “ratatata tat” language bits as referring to a musical beat or sound. Upon that we rest our conclusion that the instrument is a musical instrument.

EARTHLING HEAD CUTTING OFF

2006-06-14T20:45:00.000-07:00

This fragmentary artifact represents a scene of decapitation just microseconds before what Earthlings called a U[P]O or flying cup holder (?) struck the neck of an unfortunate Earthling female. During this time period in 21st Century Earth history, many wild religious people, called Moosdomes, who wrapped their heads in towels and draped white tents over their bodies, were wandering the globe in angry groups and practicing cutting off heads also. They called this going on HeeHawd, named, we believe, after a 20th Century TV show full of straw and bib overalls. Perhaps these religious peoples learned their taking off of head practices from the flying cup holders. Or the influence could have moved the other way. An interesting side note: the word package for this reversing of influence is vice verses.

Another kind of vice verses, discovered 25 genuflects in the past by Professor N. O. Brothel and described in his paper, "Making Mouth Noises Called Poetry in Early Earthling Cultures" (genuflect 235,009), was a kind of written art form called limerickeys. A fragment of limerickey uncovered on the floor of a house where female earthlings lived in small groups and who sometimes took male earthlings on professioinal tours around the world follows:

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose [ ]ic[ ] [ ]as so l[ ]ng h[ ] [ ]oul[ ] suck [_ _].
[_ _] [_]aid wit[ ] a grin
[ ]s he wip[_ _] off his [_ _]in,
If my e[_ _] was a qu[_ _], I wou[_ _] f[ _ _ _] i[_]!

Another interesting side note: some earthlings believed that flying cup holders came from space regions beyond our solar system when we Martians know perfectly well they were used as as objects to tie coat flaps together by huge Earthlings, called giants, nearly 100 genuflects before the human species altered into accidental existence. This alteration process was called evilution by a peculiar species of people who supposedly lived with their heads up the places where their waste products came from. The human species of earthling beings are most interesting and illogical. The species called monkey are more easily understood.

ANOTHER ENIGMA FOR MARTIAN ARCHAEOLOGISTS

2006-06-05T08:37:00.000-07:00

A recently discovered cache of photographs from the city-state of Chicago has yielded Martian science yet another mystery. We have no idea what we are looking at in this photo on the left, except that it is an Earthling female holding something in her hand with a smear on her lips. We have as yet not been able to translate any of the language units. One suggestion, by Dr. Paul Puptent, in his paper “American Harlots” (genuflect 200,879), is that this document may contain a pictorial satire of the “Mona Lisa smile” (photo on right), a much commented upon smile in 20th Century American pop culture. Movies were created based on that famous smile.

Dr. High-rise Condo, suggests in his paper, “Hidden Colds in 20th Century Art”, that during the period when these two artifacts were created, a movie called, “The Da Vinci Cold” appeared in theaters worldwide. Da Vinci was a renowned artist who also created the famous meat dish, Bologna, and for some reason, he once suffered a horrendous cold. Professor Condo believes that the Mona Lisa smile is the result of a stuffed up nose and that the famous figure is caught in the middle of a sniff, clearing her nose. Da Vinci, thus, was expressing his own frustration with the cold he suffered from. The picture on the left could be, according to Prof. Condo, an Earthling female who is achieving some relief from her cold by using the red object held in her hand. The final document (below) could suggest that if the Mona Lisa had had the red object in her possession she’d be smiling too, from pure relief.

As for myself, I can see no difference between the smiles of the Mona Lisa before and after holding the red object in her hand. Thus, I must ask how Professor High-rise Condo’s interpretation could be true.

Our Martian mystery remains, as mysterious as the famous smile itself.

This just in!!! In the email as I was about ready to enter this post on my blog, I opened my mail and found the interesting fossil which I’m including below. We still haven’t gotten far enough in interpreting Earthling language to fully understand what we have in these artifacts.

ATTENDANCE AT MARTIAN CONFERENCE HEARTENING

2006-06-02T22:11:00.001-07:00

Not too many genuflects ago, we Martians were at a loss to explain Earthling thought balloon technology. Now, after genuflects of research, we have been able to put together a conference of Martian linguists and automationists who have been able to not only discuss but also to duplicate Earthling thought balloons. There is much debate as to what use such technology was put. An even older eye-looking communication form than thought balloon technology was the naval art of semifor, (which for some inexplicable reason means, as far as we can decipher, one-half of for) employed flags and other signaling devices to visually communicate from one floating thing to another on the great water places of the Earth. However, with the advent of long distance signal sending by electric and light pulses such as we ourselves use, Earthlings would no longer need to be within eye-looking of each other in order to communicate. So why did they continue to use thought balloons in their important comic book communications? One question answered leads to another question. So it is with scientific endeavors.

Though, as you can visionate in the photo on the right, many Martian scientists have emitted thought balloons of yellow colour in the press photo, still we are not able to decipher the symbols on those bright yellow balloons. For verisimilitude, linguists used Earthling symbology. The symbols were borrowed from a yellow pages book, a cryptology book in which number systems are matched up with other language symbols that we are still unable to decipher, and that is why the balloons are yellow, so it would seem.

I was quite proud to be in attendance and though you cannot see my beaming facade in the photo, I am there, hidden among my friends and colleagues, trying gamely to blow up a thought or two of my own.

See you next posting,

He Who Towers

TIME WILL TELL

2006-05-20T16:19:00.000-07:00

I'm just now firing this up. Until things are arranged better, please find my Martian's Chronicles at Xanga.

I am a Martian. This is a picture of me. I am called, He Who Towers. I am on the left. You can see a bit of my friend, He Who Is Towered Over, on the right. I am a Martian archaeologist whose specialty is Earth cultures and civilizations, emphasis on 20th and 21st Century periods.

FOUND! FOSSILIZED HUMAN HEAD ON NATO CONTINENT

2006-05-19T08:12:00.000-07:00

Martian archaeologists, operating their digger drones on the Continent of NATO, have discovered the first ever fossilized human remains. They are ecstatic. A head was discovered along with a thigh bone, a few finger digits, a big toe and a large pie pan.

The remains appear to be those of a fully grown male of about 7,000 bigones height and weighing 10,000 hood ornaments. Preliminary scans of the fossil head show that Earthlings were a jelly-headed species, their brains made entirely of soft tissue. Scientists believe Earthling brain matter was so malleable that they may have been prey to highly unstable surmizinization, as 21st Century Earthlings called it. Science is puzzled as to how Earthlings survived so long before killing themselves off.

Other fossil evidence recovered at the site suggest that the remains were lying in a "rest your aunt" (sometimes spelled restyurant) space where persons called "nephews" could visit in the company of aunts to participate in a sleeping, or resting, session with them. Although, Dr. Potter P. Puptent, in his brilliant paper, "Dozing Is Not A Lonely Number" (genuflect 199,218 ) suggests that Earthling nephews could also have sleeping experiences with any member of his family at a restyurant, Professor Otto Leanto, in his paper "Sleeping Together Is Sometimes Not Resting", (genuflect 99,234) has steadily held out for the idea that only an "uncle" could share resting experiences with his nephew and the aunt in question (i.e. that specific uncle's wife).

Compared to our Martian rigidity and our hard-wired skeletons, Earthlings were fragile beings. Destroy their brains, and they ceased to function, they became part of the large group of disabled Earthling personalities called "vegetables". "Vegetable" (the noun) or "vegetablization" (the process) are, as yet, barely understood by Martian archaeology. Scientists speculate that in the near future they may be able to link vegetables to processes we are just beginning to discover, such as canning, pickling and pig's feet.

I must proudly remark in an aside that we Martians can be pretty nearly dismantled, and we keep on running. As an old Martian proverb goes, “We can take a licking and keep on ticking,”
—Earthling J. C. Swaze.

PS: Swaze's first two language digits, "J.C." may somehow link to a mythological personage called "Jesus Christ" who at sometime in the darkest history of planet Earth was worshipped as a god. Martian mythologists claim that the Christ figure, a Zeus and an "Egaptian" (sic) Isis figure were worshipped as a "two brothers and sister" triumverate sometime in the 88th Century Earthtime.