Friday, May 19, 2006


Martian archaeologists, operating their digger drones on the Continent of NATO, have discovered the first ever fossilized human remains. They are ecstatic. A head was discovered along with a thigh bone, a few finger digits, a big toe and a large pie pan.

The remains appear to be those of a fully grown male of about 7,000 bigones height and weighing 10,000 hood ornaments. Preliminary scans of the fossil head show that Earthlings were a jelly-headed species, their brains made entirely of soft tissue. Scientists believe Earthling brain matter was so malleable that they may have been prey to highly unstable surmizinization, as 21st Century Earthlings called it. Archaeologists are puzzled as to how Earthlings survived so long before killing themselves off.

Other fossil evidence recovered at the site suggest that the remains were lying in a "rest your aunt" (sometimes spelled restyurant) space where persons called "nephews" could visit in the company of aunts to participate in a sleeping, or resting, session with them. Although, Dr. Potter P. Puptent, in his brilliant paper, "Dozing Is Not A Lonely Number" (genuflect 199,218 ) suggests that Earthling nephews could also have sleeping experiences with any member of his family at a restyurant, Professor Otto Leanto, in his paper "Sleeping Together Is Sometimes Not Resting", (genuflect 99,234) has steadily held out for the idea that only an "uncle" could share resting experiences with his nephew and the aunt in question (i.e. that specific uncle's wife).

Compared to our Martian rigidity and our hard-wired skeletons, Earthlings were fragile beings. Destroy their brains, and they ceased to function, they became part of the large group of disabled Earthling personalities called "vegetables". "Vegetable" (the noun) or "vegetablization" (the process) are, as yet, barely understood by Martian archaeology. Scientists speculate that in the near future they may be able to link vegetables to processes we are just beginning to discover, such as canning, pickling and pig's feet.

I must proudly remark in an aside that we Martians can be pretty nearly dismantled, and we keep on running. As an old Martian proverb goes, “We can take a licking and keep on ticking,”   —Earthling J. C. Swaze.

PS: Swaze's first two language digits, "J.C." may somehow link to a mythological personage called "Jesus Christ" who at sometime in the darkest history of planet Earth was worshipped as a god. Martian mythologists claim that the Christ figure, a Zeus and an "Egaptian" (sic) Isis figure were worshipped as a "two brothers and sister" triumverate sometime in the 88th Century Earthtime.

1 comment:

Steve said...

The issue is further complicated by the fact that aunts can have multiple nephews (and nieces) and vice versa.