Professor Condo w/Riverview’s recent paper, “Can Martians Be Gay?” (genuflect 547,008), published in Martian Archaeology Today is based on this recently unearthed Earth artifact and has raised much controversy, swirling around in the rafters, the upper beams, of yours truly as well as much of the amateur Martian archaeological scene.
Professor w/Riverview claims that the figure to the right in this photogravure artifact is an extremely primitive Martian species that evolved on Earth from which we Martians may have somehow descended. He says the Martian, as he calls it—“the copier”—stands in relation to modern Martians in time as the flatworm stood in time to the Earth’s homo sapiens species just before it ceased to exist. He claims, further, that the copier must have been a slave, forced, for some inexplicable reason, to copy or replicate Earthling scribbles and, even, something called a “print out”. The copier’s place in Martian genealogy, he asserts, compares favorably to an Earthling Creationist, also a copier enslaved by certain writings to repeat over and over the same silly things. Creationists were a very backward and ancient Earth species that managed to survive parallel to but without the mental development of the Natural Selectionist, the most advanced species on 20th through 23rd Century Earth. And, finally, Professor w/Riverview believes that the juxtaposition of what he claims to be a Martian with the obviously Earthly gay couple to the Martian’s right, on what he calls the Martian’s “excreta side”, suggests that, perhaps, some early Martians might also have been gay. A tenuous claim at best.
In a paper, published also in MAT (genuflect 547,012), “What A Dumb Thing To Say,” Professor 2BR Starting at $500,000 disputes Dr. w/Riverview’s assertion. He points out, obviously, that Martians have always been asexual beings, created and maintained, not by sexual activity but by our Drones. He observes, secondly, that there is no, or little, evidence in the literature to support Dr. Riverview’s basic premise that “the copier” is a forerunner to modern Martians. He further writes, “If, indeed, the copier is in any way related to the gay couple’s sexuality wouldn’t one of them also be connected to the copier by way of the hand and arm coupling devices by which the two Earthlings are connected?” In fact, Dr. $500,000 claims that the copier seems to be behind the gay Earthlings, off to the side, as if standing aloof from them, perhaps, even, “judging them”. And, finally, he points out that gay Earthling males were not usually known to couple by means of hand/arm devices. Very little photogravure evidence for such hand/arm coupling exists, while, on the other hand, much evidence, culled from the numerous porndoggy files of gay male interactions in Martian possession, shows them coupling and interacting by means of other body devices. So, perhaps, he climaxes, the two Earthlings in the photogravure are not gay at all.
Professor Walkup in Brooklyn, the model for all outlandish Martian claims, has introduced an even more bizarre idea in his book, Letters To A Dronean Nation (genuflect 545,240). As we all know, he has long claimed that Earthlings were somehow involved in the earliest beginnings of Martian history. He is the most notable proponent for the claim that our Martian government has been covering up the existence of a crashed Earthling space craft at some time in the 21st Century Earth Time from which all Martian structure-life has evolved. With the release of the Riverview artifact, Professor Brooklyn has expanded his claims. He currently contends that Earthlings were not only somehow involved in early Martian life on Earth but that they created Martians. He asserts, with some force, that if one looks closely at the arrangement the two Earthlings create with their two bodies, joined as they are by hand/arm devices, he will see that they spell out the letter “M” (for Mars?) with their two bodies. He proposes that the two Earthlings were somehow trying to communicate to the future, perhaps in a time capsule now lost, that the copier on their left was a creature of their own making. Which would mean for Martians that, indeed, there is a God and that He is a gay Earthling male and not a Drone, or, actually, two gay Earthling males.
To the readers of this little blog before you, let me conclude with my own sentiments: “How absolutely Green Cheese.”
Professor Condo w/2BR-2BA’s digger drones have unearthed yet another interesting artifact from DeGaulland north of the big water called Atlantis Ocean. In a recent paper, “Stepping In It: a study of foodlessness among late 21st Century earthlings”, Professor w/2BR-2BA claims that Earthling food developed religious significance in the late 21st Century because of its scarcity, significance even to the point that one did not, so he claims, “step in” even the waste products at the end of the human food chain called the gastro-intestinal process. He brings forth this recently uncovered, semi-glossy artifact to support his claim.
As we have long known, glossy artifacts meant very much in the Earthling scheme of things. The glossier the artifact, the more significant the act or object being portrayed. Professor w/2BR-2BA points to the stick thin figure of the Earthling female as evidence of her advanced stage of starvation and to the Earthling’s evident avoidance of stepping in what looks like a piece of what may be human waste product. Perhaps, her own? Or maybe she has already stepped in it and is recoiling in religious disgust or shame? And she is also well-dressed, fashionably so. He proposes she may be a type of religious female famed for their sacred “scat singing”?
Professor w/2BR-2BA asserts in an earlier paper that even before food became very scarce, it had begun to develop religious significance among Earthling populations. Though there is very little evidence for such a claim, Dr. w/2BR-2BA has uncovered rumors of a religious singer named Elephant Gerald who supposedly sang in the early part of the 20th Century in the GoodolUSofA. This singer was rumored to be an extraordinarily obese member of the Earthling species, Homo Saps, and she is said to have developed the art of “scat” singing. Other very tenuous evidence has come from scraps of artifacts that connects the word “scat” to all Earth species, from the Hypo-potenuse, an aquatic species, to the Iiontigerbear, most feared in the jungles of Munchkinlandia. Hunters were said to look for signs of “scat” when they hunted. Therefore, we can be fairly certain that “scat”, which was an animal defecant, was somehow connected with the practice of “scat singing” or singing about defecation by the obese singer Elephant Gerald.
“Why did humans wish not to step in scat” is another question posed by the artifact before us. Professor w/2BR-2BA draws a connection that is very tenuous about this matter. He points out that there was once a moving photo series called “Solient Green” about Earthlings being tricked into eating one another’s bodies. He proposes that one day we will uncover another moving photo series, possibly called “Solient Brown”, in which Earthlings will be portrayed eating scat as well. So, of course, one would avoid stepping in his potential food.
Another point in dispute. Is the object at the female’s feet actually Earthling scat? Since we are not entirely sure what Earthling waste products looked like (it was biodegradable after all), we Martians have been forced to assume many variables when discussing the shape and form of human defecants. We do know that humans “shat”. We found evidence of that act of defecation in their mythology as put forth in their book of myths, the Dribble. Since we Martians have no concept ourselves of the process of “shatting”, we are hard pressed to understand this Earthling trait. Some Martian archaeologists even claim that some Earthlings believed that their Mythological Superbeing “shat” out the Earth and the Heavens, that “shatting”, therefore, was an act of creation. This hypothesis was supported at the time by the work of the nearly mythological Creationists, if indeed, such ignorant Earthlings ever existed.
Further proof of the glorification of human scat was the expression often used by Earthlings—“Holy Shit!” Shit, we have reason to believe, was another term for scat. Another sign of the deification of scat was that in certain quarters, males, and only male Earthlings, were said to sit on thrones (see above) while they shat and read their papers or tea leaves, and many times, we have come across the notion, still to be proven, that Earthlings, at least the Homo Saps, were somehow empowered by the act of sitting on a throne. Such importance can only mean that there is some connection between scat and power. Religious power? Some Earthlings, specially those at the top of Earth Cultures, were often reported to be “full of scat” by those beneath them—being “shat upon”, we must ask? One American president, a certain George W. Bush, was said to be especially “full of scat”. He sat on his throne very early in the 21st Century, so we can see, in that case, how very early on shatting was beginning to gain significance.
As ever, my fellow blogsters, I’m in your indebtedness for reading my little musings on the archaeological happenings of Martian archaeologists busily digging into the surface of that airless, burned out small planet, called Earth.
Dr. Yellow Bungalow w/ Nifty Deck’s newest paper in the Journal of Earth Archaeology has come up with a shocker and this archaeologist, yours truly, He Who Towers, won’t be one to disagree with Deck’s findings in this blog. But what are we to make of the fragment of artifact that Dr. Deck’s digger drones on Earth have uncovered? (See below.) His artifact does turn things topsy-turvy according to Earthling biological science as we understand it, specifically the belief that homo sapiens was the most advanced of Earth species just before the end times or “last quarter” as it was called in certain “religious arenas” where players of what we believe are sporting contests raised their fists to the sky in praise of their hypothetical superbeings and beat their chests like Earthling ape species also can be witnessed doing in several artifacts in Martian possession. As we all know, Earthlings developed the idea of “evolution”, of a process of change through what they called “natural selection.” They piled up irrefutable evidence over the centuries and, eventually, found all the “missing links” that religifiers demanded, even though their genetic and molecular evidence was more than enough proof for the open-minded and objective among them w/o any need to dig up fossil evidence. We Martians are so much more advanced, I must say.
Then, again, as we’ve mentioned, many Earthlings also held the quaint idea that hypothetical superbeings controlled the changes that natural selection visited upon them and refused to accept the heavily documented concept of natural selection. They held these beliefs without the least shred of evidence to support them. Some Martian archaeologists have developed the idea that human life on Earth ended when their “believers in nothing concrete”, as we, the ultimate Concretes or Materialists, name it, ran amok and “brought down the house”, as we would say, with internecine strife and atomic sword play.
Of course, we Martians also believe in the concept of modernization, that is, the process by which our robot servants modernize our facades and change our interior spaces to make ever more room for bigger and better chips and energy sources. For many centuries, now, our robots have been beyond our controlling them, and we find ourselves being changed from time to time without our having to think or plan about it. One day, a construction drone appears, and voila, things beyond our control happen to us. We are so used to it that we hardly comment anymore when things happen to us. We just go with the energy flow.
Could this fellow, pictured in Dr. Deck’s artifact, be one of the last stages of evolution on Earth? And what of this “healthier egg”? We know that Earthling culture, specially the female Earthling culture, was obsessed with putting on weight. We find artifacts everywhere which speak about weight gain, and, evidently, they were getting pretty good at “putting on the pounds”. Some evidence being developed during their 20th Century suggests that in the GoodOlUSofA people were having much success at weight gain. The practice was spreading too. Other nations, like Nippon and DeGaulland, were beginning to put on the pounds as never before according to fragmentary news-spreading documents we have gathered. It does not take too much imagination to see that this artifact, with its high-gloss paper, could be a “mind-alterer” (GoodOlUSofAers were specially good at mind-altering), celebrating the creation of an egg-thing that might help Earthlings to put on the pounds. Who better to develop the egg than the chicken, we must ask. And I do believe that this artifact may put to rest that perennial Earthling question Martian researches have come across, “What came first—the chicken or the egg?”
Dr. First Month Rent Supplied has recently uncovered an artifact which appears to originate in my especial realm of interest—20th Century American culture. It represents a female Earthling wrapped in what is evidently "Sunday go to war clothing" (as Christian warriors seem to have called them). Professor Supplied argues in his paper, "When Body and Soul Become One" (genuflect 122,349) that this artifact also proves conclusively that Earth people's skin could mutate into the colors with which they dyed their body wrappings. At this time in history, he believes, they had learned to be like cameleons, a being which during that period in Earth history could change its spots "like a leopard", so we are told. We Martians have seen evidence that during this period of time, many on the land mass to the West of the big water called Atlantis were very unstable and changed their talk points as often as they changed their body wrappings. During one brief period, my own studies show that while they were busy practicing life-ending procedures in a country called Iwak by the respected commentator, Bawbaw Wawwers, several members in a party called "Publicans" very soon changed their spots when another group called, "Dems", seemed to have gained power in the land West of the big waters after several decades of being "sent to Coventry", as it was called when people did not like the smell of your breath and so avoided having any contact with you "face to face", as they called it. They would, however, according to my paper, "Back To Front To Back Again" (genuflect 345,723) speak to one another "behind the back", so my studies show. These Earthlings often spoke behind each other's backs so as to avoid face to face odor transfer or the sight of crooked chewing devices. Crooked eating tools were much maligned in those centuries (a problem which, fortunately, we Martians do not have) and so they would often cover their in-mouth grinding devices with wire and other things which they considered to be beautiful. No understanding these Earthlings.
The strongest evidence for Professor First Month Rent Supplied's artifact representing those features of a "militant feminist" or "feminazi" (so the fat man with the small, drug-addled brain called them) is that she seems to have burned her "bra", the covering with which female Earthlings hid their baby-feeding devices from which larger males also seemed to try and get nurishment, acording to limited information coming through the good work of Professor Two Room Apt in his seminal paper, "Motels and Other Earthling Breeding Grounds" (genuflect 345,009). He has been diligently reading through and viewing that terribly boring stuff called "porno" by male Earthlings who seem to have had a bottomless apetite for the silly stuff in which grown men and women rub together and utter loud and endless grunts and groans. We have yet to fully understand this Earthling behavior, but we think it may have something to do with streetside vending as so many females in certain large cities often offered "things" for sale by the byways and streets of those large cities.
Anyhow, we shall understand more and better as we continue our researches into the ever surprising Earthling culture.
