THE MARTIAN'S CHRONICLES

Dr. Yellow Bungalow w/ Nifty Deck’s newest paper in the Journal of Earth Archaeology has come up with a shocker and this archaeologist, yours truly, He Who Towers, won’t be one to disagree with Deck’s findings in this blog. But what are we to make of the fragment of artifact that Dr. Deck’s digger drones on Earth have uncovered? (See below.) His artifact does turn things topsy-turvy according to Earthling biological science as we understand it, specifically the belief that homo sapiens was the most advanced of Earth species just before the end times or “last quarter” as it was called in certain “religious arenas” where players of what we believe are sporting contests raised their fists to the sky in praise of their hypothetical superbeings and beat their chests like Earthling ape species also can be witnessed doing in several artifacts in Martian possession. As we all know, Earthlings developed the idea of “evolution”, of a process of change through what they called “natural selection.” They piled up irrefutable evidence over the centuries and, eventually, found all the “missing links” that religifiers demanded, even though their genetic and molecular evidence was more than enough proof for the open-minded and objective among them w/o any need to dig up fossil evidence. We Martians are so much more advanced, I must say.

Then, again, as we’ve mentioned, many Earthlings also held the quaint idea that hypothetical superbeings controlled the changes that natural selection visited upon them and refused to accept the heavily documented concept of natural selection. They held these beliefs without the least shred of evidence to support them. Some Martian archaeologists have developed the idea that human life on Earth ended when their “believers in nothing concrete”, as we, the ultimate Concretes or Materialists, name it, ran amok and “brought down the house”, as we would say, with internecine strife and atomic sword play.

Of course, we Martians also believe in the concept of modernization, that is, the process by which our robot servants modernize our facades and change our interior spaces to make ever more room for bigger and better chips and energy sources. For many centuries, now, our robots have been beyond our controlling them, and we find ourselves being changed from time to time without our having to think or plan about it. One day, a construction drone appears, and voila, things beyond our control happen to us. We are so used to it that we hardly comment anymore when things happen to us. We just go with the energy flow.

Could this fellow, pictured in Dr. Deck’s artifact, be one of the last stages of evolution on Earth? And what of this “healthier egg”? We know that Earthling culture, specially the female Earthling culture, was obsessed with putting on weight. We find artifacts everywhere which speak about weight gain, and, evidently, they were getting pretty good at “putting on the pounds”. Some evidence being developed during their 20th Century suggests that in the GoodOlUSofA people were having much success at weight gain. The practice was spreading too. Other nations, like Nippon and DeGaulland, were beginning to put on the pounds as never before according to fragmentary news-spreading documents we have gathered. It does not take too much imagination to see that this artifact, with its high-gloss paper, could be a “mind-alterer” (GoodOlUSofAers were specially good at mind-altering), celebrating the creation of an egg-thing that might help Earthlings to put on the pounds. Who better to develop the egg than the chicken, we must ask. And I do believe that this artifact may put to rest that perennial Earthling question Martian researches have come across, “What came first—the chicken or the egg?”