EARTHLING EXTINCTION

Recent discoveries by Martian archaeologist One BR above Garage are bringing us ever closer to uncovering the cause of the extinction of the soft-bodied Earthling species on the Planet we once called Blue Ball before we accepted the name by which the departed Earthlings referred to it—Earth. Dr. Garage’s digger drones, working in the Land of Snow above the Continent that lies east of the NATO continent across the great liquid body, uncovered this recent artifact. In his paper, “Dress Is The Clue, Stupid” (genuflect 342,009), he purports it to be a representation of the final years on Earth when “pollution”, as Earthlings called it, fouled the atmosphere, making habitation impossible.

They were a very weak species. It’s a wonder they survived as long as they did, into the 80th Century (their time scale) our best evidence tells us. A mere pinprick in time when compared to the bacteria which went extinct with them. We, of course, would have no such trouble. Except for very corrosive acids, we Martians can survive almost any atmospheric condition, so it’s hard for us to “walk a mile in their space suits” as the Earthling idiom expresses it. In fact, it’s impossible for us to wear a space suit over our huge and block frames. Fortunately, we don’t need them.

However, Professor Brick Rancher, in his talk, “Does This Suit Suit You?” which he presented at the annual convention of Well Diggers’ Diggers in the genuflect 336,876, has suggested another interpretation of the ancient artifact before you. He believes the representational artifact represents Earthling space exploration and perhaps was created during an exploration on Pluto or Venus, as Earthlings called them. If they did get into space, did they visit our planet, I wonder.

Still another archaeologist, Professor Gazebo, suggests that this artifact represents an Earthling exploration into one of their liquid bodies that lie between the continents of Blue Ball. He thinks the Earthling male is walking through a street in Atlantis, one of their fabled cities we are just now getting to hear about in widely spaced fragmentary artifacts.

Could be! Earthlings were very fond of their water bodies because their genetics reveal that water bodies were their original home. They were 90 percent water our biologists tell us. They told various fictions about their liquid homes—about kings who ruled under liquid with poles called “tridents” and “mermads” who were half fish and half Earthling and who sang angry songs (thus, mer -“mads”). In one of their many and contradictory religious books, The Babel (sic), they tell a fictional tale about fishes who swallowed Earthlings and whose stomach acids did not dissolve the Earthlings. People who believed in the Babel book are now known to have believed in almost anything and to swallow nearly anything. They were called “gullivers” because they were so “gullible” just as a certain species of Earth animal were called carnivores because they were known to swallow Carney Dogs.

This species of Earthling were said to be awaiting a Rupture in time, when the “good” people would get even with what they called “bad” people by disappearing into a place where they would play harps all day and walk on streets of gold. Those left behind would suffer "ruptures"—a very painful sort of Earthling condition in which their insides try to worm their way out through holes in their frameworks. They were still awaiting the Rupture when the Earthling species went extinct. An interesting “bummer sticker”, as they were called, referred to this imaginary phenomena. It read, if our translations are correct, “After Rupture This Vehicle Will Crash Into The Nearest Thing To It”. The pain was expected to be so great, we surmise, that those left behind would no longer be able to control their transporatation devices called, SUVs, and so would bump into things near them.

Anyhow, we have few artifacts from the era when Earthlings went extinct so we are grateful for any artifact that might let a little knowledge into our Martian windows about those times.