Martian archaeological drone teams under the watchful eye of Professor Wigwam de la Prairie, working in the great western reaches of the Central American Continent of Earth, as distinct from the Northern Continent and the Southern Continent (even though that Southern land mass is now an island, separated by several miles of water from the two upper land masses because, we think, a land bridge that once connected them is now awash in water oceans), continue to turn up fascinating artifacts from 21st Century American cultures. For genuflects, our drone teams have been uncovering teasing, unsubstantiated references to a great American presidential monument somewhere in the Wild West Regions which archaeologists have tentatively translated as “Mountain Rushing Gnat Monument”. Recently, Dr. de la Prairie uncovered and partially restored the artifact which is displayed above.
After much discussion we think this may be a partial rendering of that very Monument. The three faces (we had expected five—the fifth being the face of President E. Presley who was said to have been resurrected from the dead and elected to office sometime in the 21st Century, Earth Time) are without a doubt monumental, imposing and seemingly carved into adamantine material. We cannot determine which presidents’ faces were on the original Monument but the faces revealed in this striking artifact are all presidential and may, in their look alikeness, hint at the processes of cloning which were stirring in the Earthling eras of my interest. Even a scientist must be allowed his imagination. I would like to think that, maybe, one of the three heads represented here is the head of the resurrected Elvis.
And again, I must call my readers’ attentions to the primitive, Martian-like bodies to the right of the Monument, if indeed, it is a rendering of the Monument. Repeatedly, we Martian archaeologists come across these teasing connections between Earthling dwellings and our Martian bodies, but our Martian bodies don’t have Earthling DNA so the connection cannot be of the evolutionary nature that brought the human animal to perfection and then to extinction.
The things on the cheekbones of the Earthlings are called “glasses”, but they do not look anything like the glasses of liquid H2O that earthlings were known to drink from. Dr. de la Prairie in his paper, “Gulping Their Way To Hydration” (genuflect 223,002) has tried to suggest various ways that those facial decorations could be made to yield up liquid for human consumption, but I am not convinced.
Professor Loft-in Condo thinks this recently recovered 20th Century artifact from the digs at Boston By the Sea (genuflect 389,119) proves once again that Earthlings and Martians were at one time connected in some nefarious way. This blogger has posted other examples of Earthly conflict between what looks like early Martian peoples and Earthlings, and so I am open to Dr. Condo’s interpretation of what this rendition reveals. Loft-in thinks, and I’m apt to agree with him, that we have depicted here an Earthling terrorist in the act of sabotaging (i.e. harming by stealth) the kidney boiler of one of our Martian ancestors. The huge collection device is just enough like one of our boiler room boilers where warmth-giving melted water stuff is created and sent through our heater veins to hint that Professor Loft-in Condo is correct. Whether this act of violence is occuring on Earth at some nearly perhistoric time or on Mars itself, no evidence in the rendition makes entirely clear. As with so much that archaeology uncovers, mystery increases rather than diminishes the more that we know.
Constructively yours, siding with you always,
Prof. He Who Towers
Recent discoveries by Martian archaeologist One BR above Garage are bringing us ever closer to uncovering the cause of the extinction of the soft-bodied Earthling species on the Planet we once called Blue Ball before we accepted the name by which the departed Earthlings referred to it—Earth. Dr. Garage’s digger drones, working in the Land of Snow above the Continent that lies east of the NATO continent across the great liquid body, uncovered this recent artifact. In his paper, “Dress Is The Clue, Stupid” (genuflect 342,009), he purports it to be a representation of the final years on Earth when “pollution”, as Earthlings called it, fouled the atmosphere, making habitation impossible.
They were a very weak species. It’s a wonder they survived as long as they did, into the 80th Century (their time scale) our best evidence tells us. A mere pinprick in time when compared to the bacteria which went extinct with them. We, of course, would have no such trouble. Except for very corrosive acids, we Martians can survive almost any atmospheric condition, so it’s hard for us to “walk a mile in their space suits” as the Earthling idiom expresses it. In fact, it’s impossible for us to wear a space suit over our huge and block frames. Fortunately, we don’t need them.
However, Professor Brick Rancher, in his talk, “Does This Suit Suit You?” which he presented at the annual convention of Well Diggers’ Diggers in the genuflect 336,876, has suggested another interpretation of the ancient artifact before you. He believes the representational artifact represents Earthling space exploration and perhaps was created during an exploration on Pluto or Venus, as Earthlings called them. If they did get into space, did they visit our planet, I wonder.
Still another archaeologist, Professor Gazebo, suggests that this artifact represents an Earthling exploration into one of their liquid bodies that lie between the continents of Blue Ball. He thinks the Earthling male is walking through a street in Atlantis, one of their fabled cities we are just now getting to hear about in widely spaced fragmentary artifacts.
Could be! Earthlings were very fond of their water bodies because their genetics reveal that water bodies were their original home. They were 90 percent water our biologists tell us. They told various fictions about their liquid homes—about kings who ruled under liquid with poles called “tridents” and “mermads” who were half fish and half Earthling and who sang angry songs (thus, mer -“mads”). In one of their many and contradictory religious books, The Babel (sic), they tell a fictional tale about fishes who swallowed Earthlings and whose stomach acids did not dissolve the Earthlings. People who believed in the Babel book are now known to have believed in almost anything and to swallow nearly anything. They were called “gullivers” because they were so “gullible” just as a certain species of Earth animal were called carnivores because they were known to swallow Carney Dogs.
This species of Earthling were said to be awaiting a Rupture in time, when the “good” people would get even with what they called “bad” people by disappearing into a place where they would play harps all day and walk on streets of gold. Those left behind would suffer "ruptures"—a very painful sort of Earthling condition in which their insides try to worm their way out through holes in their frameworks. They were still awaiting the Rupture when the Earthling species went extinct. An interesting “bummer sticker”, as they were called, referred to this imaginary phenomena. It read, if our translations are correct, “After Rupture This Vehicle Will Crash Into The Nearest Thing To It”. The pain was expected to be so great, we surmise, that those left behind would no longer be able to control their transporatation devices called, SUVs, and so would bump into things near them.
Anyhow, we have few artifacts from the era when Earthlings went extinct so we are grateful for any artifact that might let a little knowledge into our Martian windows about those times.
The late Martian archaeologist, Dr. Elegant Loft w/hot Tub, before his untimely late stage foundation collapse, uncovered some very exciting artifacts on Earth. The artifact below was uncovered during his recent dig in genuflect 235,994 on the GoodOlUSofA Continent. Before Dr. Loft's discovery, we Martians thought that we were the only civilization to understand Matrix technology by which many of our neighboring soft bodied species around the Cosmos are put into suspended animation and sent on virtual vacations.
Some soft-bodied species around the Cosmos now use matrix technology to imprison unruly populations. Others use it to titillate their gonads.
One rare piece of artifact does hint that Earthlings may have also used some sort of matrix technology to do something to their gonads. The artifact is a piece of what they called "film" showing two Earthlings entering a chamber and coming out in what appears to be a titillated condition. A woody being called an "Allen" enters a cylinder with a female Earthling whose name we do not know, and when they exit the cylinder, we think we can discern gonad titillation in the male and excitation in the female. Other species in our time use matrix technology to, as the song goes, "Wacoviate the Affirmative, Don't Mess the Inbetweens".
What Dr. Tub discovered is a representational artifact that I believe shows an Earthling male in suspension in a matrix or, at least, his entrance into or exit from a matrix. Whatever we may think, we can at least determine that the Earthling in the Matrix was involved in a practice they called gardening.
We recognize the hose and the stream of liquid stuff coming out its end that Earthlings call "water". Earthlings seem to have needed what they called "water" to immerse their bodies in, to pull scaled beings from for "pan frying", and to fill round rubber "baboons" (sic) with which they could then hurl at each other while practicing the human art they called "laughing".
Laughing was a widespread Earthling practice and many references to it are found in Earthling writings. One such writing was "He who laughs last, laughs best" which we believe had to do with a practice which occured when Earthlings passed into the earth. Earthlings would stand around and "laugh" at ceremonies devoted to honoring those "who had gone before" (as they phrased it in another artifact in our possession). "Last" laughing came in sequence after "first" laughing. Thus, he who laughs "last" laughs "best". It may have something to do with being in a laughing state about not having to go into the earth which seems to be the last activity any human being performed while inhabiting the earth, an activity which no Earthling seems to have enjoyed doing.
Those water uses mentioned are only three uses to which Earthlings put their liquids. There were many others.
At certain times during Earthling existence on Earth, the phenomenon of “poverty” was said to stalk their cultures. During the centuries of my interest, the 20th and 21st Centuries (Earthtime), poverty in the City of Africa, somewhere below the water body called Medical Terrain, was supposed to have been terribly bad. Poverty, as far as we can tell, was a condition of clothing that a race of Earthlings called fashion editors judged as being “too outré to be borne”, as one of them wrote in an archaeological fragment that Prof. Bungalow from the University of Mars on Tyne only recently released.
There is much debate as to what the term “outré” means. Imagine our joy, then, in the archaeological findings of Professor Duplex whose digger drones have been working in that same area below the Medical Terrain in the lush rain forests there. He has unearthed two representational artifacts of female Earthlings whose skin coverings appear to be in poor and torn condition. Someone, unfortunately, has misidentified the fragments as coming from the NATO Continent, as it was called, which lies above the Medical Terrain water body. So we can be pretty certain that the condition, outré, is represented by the skin coverings of these two Earthlings from the City of Africa. Long hard work over many genuflects of time will eventually lead to findings such as these if only we have patience.
For many Martian genuflects, Martian archaeologists have assumed that Earthlings were sophisticated users of primitive technology (as compared to Martian technology) that they did have. But a recent artifact uncovered by Dr. Chalet's digger drones in GoodOlUSofA casts doubt on our assumptions. We thought that earthlings had microphone technology, but the Earthling female in the representational artifact appears to believe that this common and ordinary hairbrush is a microphone.
The artifact before you creates many problems for Martian archaeologists who are trying to understand Earthling cultures of the 20th through 21st Centuries. It was uncovered recently by the digger drones of Dr. Wicciup d’Forest in his digs in the GoodOl’USofA region of the big continent sometimes called the Nor[ ]h Amer. Cont. in a few artifacts we have so far uncovered.
We believe the representation is of an Earthling species called “pirates” which existed in the 17th and 18th centuries, if not earlier, and whose heads were a triangular shape when viewed from above. However, the problem presents itself when we realize that the fragmentary language units at the top of the artifact are recognizable as the language units of an ancient communication technology called magazine media and, specifically, of a media called Newsweek which existed briefly in the days of the 20th Century. If so, how could the representation of a pirate appear to be existent in that Earthling era? A problem indeed, complicated by the fact that photographic technology was not a part of the time period coincident with the pirate era of clanging sharp edged things together in noise making competitions, jib making or the era of what we understand to be gangplank diving contests. These gang plank diving contests survived into the 22nd Century among many Earthling cultures in the form of Olympic diving contests which were held in and named after, as far as we can ascertain, a city-state called Olympia in the nation of Wash[ ]ton in GoodOl’UsofA.
My great colleague, Dr. Sky Scraper, in his paper, “Don’t Knock Knocking Spheres For Fun and Profit in the Twentieth Century” (genuflect 224,002) has pointed the way to a solution. During the late 19th and all of the 20th Century and into the early 21st Century, a certain “sphere hitting” gang of male Earthlings were also called “Pirates” or the “Pittspurge Pirates” to be exact. One or two fragmentary historical translations suggest that even these modern “Pirates” still practiced ancient piratical traits. They were commonly caught stealing bases by people called catchers whose job it was to catch base stealers. Then, sometime in the 21st Century, this base-stealing gang of sphere hitting “Pirates” disappeared from written history. However, Professor Teapot Dome Scandel in his paper, “Moving Names All Over the Map” (genuflect 752,098) suggests that the Pittspurge Pirates did not die out as at first thought but became the Mobile Al Pirates when a very rich fuel and pirate merchant called Al Mobile somehow got control of the Pirates and moved the entire gang to a warmer climate. All this leaves much to be explained.
Lastly, while on the subject of pirates, I must mention a certain, very ancient male Earthling who was known as Pontius Pirate, maybe one of the first of the pirate species to have evolved on the Earth. He was known for running a meticulous hand washing business. He was known to steal and wash hands in the same way that money was stolen and laundered in later Earth history. There is also an ancient story, now disappeared from recorded history, which suggests he was a very indecisive earthling who couldn’t make up his mind, but that is all we know of him.
 |
| Fig. 1 |
A recent
archaeological dig near Roma in the "boot" [human's named it after a type of shoe] of the Euro [or NATO] Continent which juts into the Medearthanian Sea unearthed the scanalogue [Fig.1]. The earthling is involved in a mysterious kind of activity with which
Martian archaeology, until recently, has been completely unfamiliar. His
facade expresses an angry intention, and he
brandishes the pointy thing as if he intends to skewer or harm someone.
 |
| Fig. 2 |
Archaeologists have
discovered only one other artifact of its kind in Earth digs.
[Fig.2] It's a fragment, not very well preserved, and includes the
mysterious language fragment, “F_DD_ _ _ _ _TH_ _OOF”. Some Martian archaeologists have suggested that it's an aberrant spelling of the phrase "Food On the Hoof". The
earthling in that fragment stands shoulder deep in what appears to
be a pile of highly-stylized Martian corpses. He also holds a thin
thing against a curvy thing while the digits of his left hand digitalize
the smaller end of the curvy instrument. The expression on his facade cannot
clearly be distinguished, but it's obvious that the humanoids in both artifacts are engaged in a similar activity.
 |
| Fig. 3 |
Recently, Professor Two Beds & a-Bath has put together in his paper, "Playing Big Time", several other artifacts which suggest enticing speculations. On the right [Fig.3] is a mysterious statue long ago uncovered in Ampersand on the Euro Continent about which Martian archaeologists have long debated. Now, Professor a-Bath, in his controversial paper, has brought together two additional scanalogues upon which to build his controversial hypothesis.
 |
| Fig. 4 |
The earthling
at left [Fig.4] brandishes what Dr. a-Bed thinks must be an archaic musical instrument used
by a subspecies of earthlings called “mobsters”
somewhere in a region called Chicago on the Continent of the GoodoldUSofA. The
word “mobsters” is a derivative of the word, “mob”, which means a large group of people. Another derivation from the same root is
the verb “to mob” which means to gather around in celebration. When
someone is “mobbed up”, Dr. a-Bed understands him to be joined with others in wild musical celebration of some sort.
 |
| Fig. 6 |
 |
| Fig. 5 |
Dr. a-Bath introduces two additional scanalogues [Figs.5 & 6] that seem to connect the statuary from Ampersand [Fig.3] with the man holding the musical instrument [Fig.4] and also the figure in Figure 1. Dr. a-Bath suggests that the instrument in Fig.4 must be some type of musical instrument employed in group celebrations while the tool being manipulated by the human in Fig.1 is some sort of food utensil because it is associated with the pile of Martian corpses in Fig.2. Though we have as yet to understand the connection between the ancient American peoples and modern Martians, the older fragment may show a member of the citizens of GoodolUSofA preparing to butcher and eat recently slain Martians with a tool similar to the “eating tool” of the central figure in Figure 2. A gruesome conclusion indeed!
The pile of Martians in the second picture reminds me of another artifact I've come across: a pile of beeffalos. Certain other "tribes" (another language bit meaning "group" or "mob") on the lower USofA Continent, below New England or Canadian Bacon (still much debate as to what that upper piece of land above the Good Old USofA was called), used to run after an animal called a beeffalo when they, for some as yet unexplained reason, ran over cliffs, much like another earth species, called lemmings, used to run into the great water regions of the Earth. Finally, the fact that we have no evidence that a female earthling ever employed said instrument is further proof that the tools in Fig.1 and Fig.2 are killing utensils since female Earthlings are not known to display “killing” behaviors unless "green with envy". Why would females be jealous of a Martian?
As for the instrument in Figure 4. Drawing on that GoodolUSofA communication medium, the “comic book”, Prof. a-Bath writes that he often sees the language fragment “rata tat tat” or some combination of similar language bits in “thought clouds” associated with the instrument pictured in Figure 4. [For explanation of “thought clouds” see “Disturbing Thoughts By Earthlings Toward Martians” in another post.] He concludes, with some certainty, that we must translate those “rata tat tat” language bits as referring to a musical beat or sound. Upon that, he rests his conclusion that the instrument in Figure1 is an eating or killing utensil for use against ancient Martian peoples while the instrument in Figure 4 is a musical instrument, perhaps used in some sort of ritual associated with the killing of ancient Martian peoples.
This fragmentary artifact represents a scene of decapitation just microseconds before what Earthlings called a U[P]O or flying cup holder (?) struck the neck of an unfortunate Earthling female. During this time period in 21st Century Earth history, many wild religious people, called Moosdomes, who wrapped their heads in towels and draped white tents over their bodies, were wandering the Earth globe in angry groups and practicing their art of cutting off heads. They called this travel, going on HeeHawd, a practice named, we believe, after a 20th Century GoodolUSofA TV show full of straw and human males in bib overalls and female humans in short shorts. Perhaps these Moosdomes learned their taking off of head practices from the flying cup holders. Or the influence could have moved the other way. An interesting side note: the word package for this reversing of influence is vice verses. We translate it to mean "poems about bad things" such as are found in the human's Bible, a widespread writing about forces in the Cosmos that Martians have yet to encounter.
Another kind of vice verses, discovered 25 genuflects in the past by Professor N. O. Brothel and described in his paper, "Making Mouth Noises Called Poetry in Early Earthling Cultures" (genuflect 235,009), was a kind of written art form called limerickeys. A fragment of limerickey uncovered on the floor of a house where female earthlings lived in small groups and who sometimes took male earthlings on professioinal tours "around the world" follows:
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose [ ]ic[ ] [ ]as so l[ ]ng h[ ] [ ]oul[ ] suck [_ _].
[_ _] [_]aid wit[ ] a grin
[ ]s he wip[_ _] off his [_ _]in,
If my e[_ _] was a qu[_ _], I wou[_ _] f[ _ _ _] i[_]!
Another interesting side note: some earthlings believed that flying cup holders came from space regions beyond our Martian Solar System when, as a matter of fact, we Martians know perfectly well they were used as as objects to tie coat flaps together by huge Earthlings, called giants, nearly 100 genuflects before the human species altered into accidental existence. They were called buttons.
By the way, the alteration process was called evilution by a peculiar species of people who supposedly lived with their heads up the places where their waste products came from. The human species of earthling beings are most interesting and illogical. The species called monkey are more easily understood.
A recently discovered cache of photographs from the region of Chicago has yielded Martian science yet another mystery. We have no idea what we are looking at in this photo on the left, except that it is an Earthling female holding something in her hand with a smear on her lips. We have as yet not been able to translate the language units. One suggestion, by Dr. Paul Puptent, in his paper “American Harlots” (genuflect 200,879), is that this document may contain a pictorial satire of the “Mona Lisa smile” (photo on right), a much commented upon smile in 20th Century American pop culture. Movies were created based on that famous smile.
Dr.
High-rise Condo, suggests in his paper, “Hidden Colds in 20th Century
Art”, that during the period when these two artifacts were created, a
movie called, “The Da Vinci Cold” appeared in theaters worldwide. Da
Vinci was a renowned artist who also created the famous meat dish,
Bologna. Professor Condo suggests that Da Vinci must have suffered a horrendous cold about the time he was painting this figure.
Professor Condo believes that the Mona Lisa smile is the result of a
stuffed up nose and that the famous figure is caught in the middle of a
sniff, clearing her nose. Da Vinci, thus, was expressing his own
frustration with the cold he suffered from. The picture on the left
could be, according to Prof. Condo, an Earthling female who is achieving
some relief from her cold by using the red object held in her hand. The
final document (below) could suggest that if the Mona Lisa had had the
red object in her possession she’d be smiling too, from pure relief.
As for myself, I can see no difference between the smiles of the Mona Lisa before and after holding the red object in her hand. Thus, I must ask how Professor High-rise Condo’s interpretation could be true.
Our Martian mystery remains, as mysterious as the famous smile itself.
This just in!!! In the email as I was about ready to enter this post on my blog, I opened my mail and found the interesting fossil which I’m including below. We still haven’t gotten far enough in interpreting Earthling language to fully understand what we have in these artifacts.
Not too many genuflects ago, we Martians were at a loss to explain Earthling “thought balloon technology”. Now, after genuflects of research, we have been able to put together a conference of Martian linguists and automationists who have been able to not only discuss but also to duplicate Earthling thought balloons. There is much debate as to what use such technology was put. An even older, eye-looking communication form than thought balloon technology was the naval art of semifor, (which for some inexplicable reason means, as far as we can decipher, “"semi" one-half of "for”"). This earthling communication form employed flags and other signaling devices to visually communicate from one floating thing to another on the great water places of the Earth Globe. However, with the advent of long distance signal sending by electric and light pulses such as we ourselves use, Earthlings would no longer need to be within eye-looking of each other in order to communicate. So why did they continue to use thought balloons in their vitally important comic book communications? One question answered leads to another question. So it is with scientific endeavors.
As you can visionate in the photo on the right, many Martian scientists have emitted thought balloons of yellow colour in the press photo, still we are not able to decipher the symbols on those bright yellow balloons. For verisimilitude, linguists used Earthling symbology. The symbols were borrowed from a “yellow pages” book, a cryptology book in which number systems are matched up with other language symbols that we are still unable to decipher, and that is why the balloons are yellow, so it would seem.
I was quite proud to be in attendance and though you cannot see my beaming facade in the photo, I am there, hidden among my friends and colleagues, trying gamely to blow up a balloon thought or two of my own.
See you next posting,
He Who Towers
Martian archaeologists, operating their digger drones on the Continent of NATO, have discovered the first ever fossilized human remains. They are ecstatic. A head was discovered along with a thigh bone, a few finger digits, a big toe and a large pie pan.
The remains appear to be those of a fully grown male of about 7,000 bigones height and weighing 10,000 hood ornaments. Preliminary scans of the fossil head show that Earthlings were a jelly-headed species, their brains made entirely of soft tissue. Scientists believe Earthling brain matter was so malleable that they may have been prey to highly unstable surmizinization, as 21st Century Earthlings called it. Archaeologists are puzzled as to how Earthlings survived so long before killing themselves off.
Other fossil evidence recovered at the site suggest that the remains were lying in a "rest your aunt" (sometimes spelled restyurant) space where persons called "nephews" could visit in the company of aunts to participate in a sleeping, or resting, session with them. Although, Dr. Potter P. Puptent, in his brilliant paper, "Dozing Is Not A Lonely Number" (genuflect 199,218 ) suggests that Earthling nephews could also have sleeping experiences with any member of his family at a restyurant, Professor Otto Leanto, in his paper "Sleeping Together Is Sometimes Not Resting", (genuflect 99,234) has steadily held out for the idea that only an "uncle" could share resting experiences with his nephew and the aunt in question (i.e. that specific uncle's wife).
Compared to our Martian rigidity and our hard-wired skeletons, Earthlings were fragile beings. Destroy their brains, and they ceased to function, they became part of the large group of disabled Earthling personalities called "vegetables". "Vegetable" (the noun) or "vegetablization" (the process) are, as yet, barely understood by Martian archaeology. Scientists speculate that in the near future they may be able to link vegetables to processes we are just beginning to discover, such as canning, pickling and pig's feet.
I must proudly remark in an aside that we Martians can be pretty nearly dismantled, and we keep on running. As an old Martian proverb goes, “We can take a licking and keep on ticking,” —Earthling J. C. Swaze.
PS: Swaze's first two language digits, "J.C." may somehow link to a mythological personage called "Jesus Christ" who at sometime in the darkest history of planet Earth was worshipped as a god. Martian mythologists claim that the Christ figure, a Zeus and an "Egaptian" (sic) Isis figure were worshipped as a "two brothers and sister" triumverate sometime in the 88th Century Earthtime.
I am a Martian. This is a picture of me on the left. I am called, He Who Towers. You can see a bit of my friend, He Who Is Towered Over, on the right. I am a Martian archaeologist whose specialty is Earth cultures and civilizations, emphasis on 20th and 21st Century periods.
I'm just now firing this blog up. I look forward to sharing in this blog my lifelong interest in the affairs of the now deceased human species of robots. My special interest is with 20 and 21st century Earthing Culture. Once an active archaelogist, I am now retired and consider myself to be an amateur nowadays.
